February 2012
73 posts
Can I take a minute to rant about my roommate please
She leaves her goddamn alarm on all the time, she leaves her fucking music on when she’s not even in the room and granted it’s through her headphones but it’s so loud that I can still hear it and it drives me completely insane
She’s just kind of thoughtless. She’s not a bad person and she doesn’t mean to be inconsiderate, I think, but she...
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Anonymous asked: **big hugs** Everything will get better. I promise.
What
What am I even doing
I crave attention from the people who are least likely to give it to me and ignore the attention that I do get from the people I love the most
I hide from everybody I live with in real life and nobody has ever really questioned why because I must be that forgettable or we were never really close in the first place because we only really lived together for two months...
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I… I don’t even really know though. I guess some people have something magnetizing about them and some people don’t. When they do the same things, people will pay attention to the former but not the latter because they were already drawn to whatever makes the former a magnetizing person, energy or aura or charisma or whatever it is. I don’t know what to call it. When I...
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darkangelkie replied to your post: How do people get attention though I thought I…
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How do people get attention though
I thought I was being really quality tonight
Well I can scream at the top of my lungs and still not know how to get attention from people
Please be a little more whiny, self, I don’t think you’re quite entitled enough, even though you have a wonderful family and the best people in the world surrounding you, because you need attention from the...
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And of course my roommate comes home smelling like cigarette smoke. I warned her about that. Shit. Now I’m getting that creepy-crawly feeling in my throat. Sigh.
… Or I could be imagining it. I don’t know. I don’t really trust my sense of smell. Either way I’m sure this is my fault somehow. It isn’t, but I’m sure it is. Somehow.
Wow all this Dave stuff on my dash and all the nothing happening irl and now this I’m just going insane
I wish I could delete my blog, I wish I could delete myself, I’m just done this isn’t fun anymore I don’t want to do this anymore
Shouldn’t have eaten those gummy bears. They do bad things to me. Will I ever learn? Nope. Never.
I guilt-tripped the suicidal fantasies out of me but now they’re back
I feel like I’m in a stealth first person shooter or something. Don’t take the paths they think you’ll take; avoid eye contact at all costs; use cover whenever possible; don’t hang around the places they might go; and if you’re caught, it’s game over.
It’s times like these when I really wish I could play fps games. They might make me feel a little better...
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No but seriously though I’ve started to see people that I know at breakfast more than I want to. The only reasons I can go to breakfast are there aren’t many people there and I didn’t think anyone I knew was going to breakfast. Now I’ve been proven wrong. Now I don’t know what I should do. Should I go and risk being reminded that I exist and might potentially have to...
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Should I
just
not bother with breakfast tomorrow
Jesus christ this is so awkward should I leave or what is even going on right now
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God I’m so profoundly lonely though, wherever I go, internet or real life. I have a couple of people who are my only lifelines and I think they know who they are but I feel selfish asking them for help when I need it. I can’t be around anyone else though. Literally being in the same room as anyone who might talk to me brings bile up in my throat. I can’t even really stand my...
God I hate food so much I hate the fact that I need to eat I hate the fact that other people watch me eat I hate eating I hate food I hate people I hate me
Can I please stop being unhappy now it’s not fun anymore I wanna be normal and not tragic and dramatic all the time I wanna stop being so affected by things I wanna stop please make it stop
This has been a horrible two weeks and...
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Ok then and even that gets no notes
No it’s fine I’ll be alone on the internet too that’s ok I’m just going to go to bed and pretend that I don’t have to wake up tomorrow.
I’m so tired. I need a hug.
Oh god why now oh my god cramps ow can’t walk anymore want to lay down and never get up ow
Guilt trip guilt trip guilt trip guilt trip everyone has more fun when I’m not around ahahaha great like I really needed another reason to cry
Can I please stop being sad now it’s not fun anymore
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If I get Panda Express for lunch/dinner tomorrow, will I be cursed? I promise I’ll eat breakfast. I promise. But the website won’t let me order a sack lunch and orange chicken sounds like the best thing ever right now… it’s just more food, right? Nobody can begrudge me getting more food, right? I tried to order lunch, I did. I tried, and therefore nobody can criticize me....
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I never did get that peanut butter
I forgot about it
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You know when you’re stuck in a black hole of misery and listlessness with no way to claw yourself out?
It’s like, I can see the future and I know it might probably be possibly better than this but I’m just so tired and I don’t know how I’m ever going to get to that future because I’ve used all my energy to dig a hole ten thousand feet deep and I can still see...
God I feel so useless and tired
I just don’t want to do anything anymore
It feels like all I ever do is sleep and cry
That’s all I ever want to do anyway
I’m not going to be able to transfer next year because I was too lazy to complete the applications
and then I’m going to have to return to Santa Barbara next year
I don’t think I can do that
I just...
Oh lordy and they’re in the room across from me too
What did I do to deserve this
Was it the burrito
And here I thought I was on an upswing too
lol nope you want happiness well you don’t get any here be achy and annoyed for the rest of your life
A curse upon my full bladder, I can’t relieve it while they keep going in and out like this
ffffuuuuuuu-
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All right, that was good. A bit significantly more expensive, but good.
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I almost got a slice of pizza from Costco but I just couldn’t ugh omg just thinking about ordering that made me want to throw up. I think I’ll get a burrito instead. It’s more expensive but it will be worth it. I hope.
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Went for a walk intending to maybe get some food, came back with a Sprite
So I spent how much energy to get how much energy?
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Anonymous asked: I'm worried
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I would like to lay out my thoughts on food while I’m thinking about them
I think about food a lot. Probably 24/7. I always think about food.
Half of the time I think about eating food and the other half of the time I think about denying myself food. Half the time I’m thinking about eating food is because I’m consciously denying myself food and letting myself be consumed by the...
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Oh god and they’re closing sack meals on Monday too fffuuuuuuu
Weekends are complete torture oh goooooood
I want tortellini
or a hug from my mother
uuuuuuugh
Still pretending that I might eat dinner tonight
shhh it’s fun to keep up the illusion
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… You know what listening to Basket Case made me realize? I didn’t have this “holy shit am I going crazy” angst in high school like everyone else seemed to have. I didn’t relate to this song until now.
Apparently I am an incredibly late bloomer.
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Sometimes I just completely and utterly forget where I am and for a moment I expect to walk out of the room and hug my mother
Ok, getting to and from places is now a lot harder than it used to be.
I want to cry. I want to go home and never come back. I’m never going to win. I’m never going to change. Fuck this.
Oh my god resisting urge to run in opposite direction oh my god get me out of here get me out shit fuck curl up in fetal position I want to cry get me out of here this is the height of awkwardness how do I live
When I’m depressed I like to sit around and do nothing of value
Oh wait that’s what I do anyway
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Lol back to the days of the untagged read-mores
I’m really going to regret this later
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My friend invited me somewhere and I straight up lied to his face.
I don’t think I’ve ever really truly lied to anyone before when I was this low. I dodge questions like a pro and I remain vague and I tell half-truths and mislead people, true, but I’ve never told an outright lie in order to avoid someone before. Especially because I think this guy could help me if I let him....
Eat barely any lunch
Social anxiety causes mini avalanche of feelings
Break down
Lapse in functioning as a human being
Skip class
Come home to read about people shitting on Max and my friends
Fuck. This. Noise.
I’m so hungry but I’m so gross and I can’t eat anything
Five more weeks of this before I can go home
Wow. That was abrupt. And my angsting today isn’t even necessary at all.
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So this weird thing happened to me today as I was walking back to my dorm… I was fine and then suddenly I was completely exhausted and shaky and lightheaded and a little nauseous and I just wanted to sit down and never get up and melt into a puddle of goo. Then I started getting frightened that I wasn’t going to make it home/somewhere safe. When I finally did get back to my dorm and...
eat $8 meal and three power bars
still hungry
too lightheaded and distracted to study
swoon over attempt to read schoolwork
flights of stairs are a physical challenge now
the thoughts in my head right now are ‘I am a fatass’ and ‘I am a wimp’
make them go away
Things that I have not been doing
my homework
paying attention in class
exercising
cleaning my room
eating properly
remembering important things like my pass time and appointments and tasks I have assigned myself and papers with deadlines
socializing
happiness
preparing for therapy
so basically I’m kind of screwed
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What I have is not mental illness. I have not been diagnosed and I doubt I ever will because I don’t have mental illness. What I am is a pretentious bitch and everyone should hate me.
But let me think. What is it that I do have? What do I know about myself?
I second-guess myself at every opportunity. It’s hard to discern which of my feelings are “real” or not because I...